


Cat-astrophe

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Gen, Humor, I use the name Dirk for Bro, shut up I'm funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 02:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2604815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, Dirk brings home a cat. Dave reacts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cat-astrophe

“What the ever-loving fuck is that?” Dave couldn't help but burst out when his brother walked through the door. It was weird enough that Dirk had bothered with the door, but what was even stranger was the creature curled up in his arms. It was black and furry, green eyes blinking up at Dave as though it was considering some already-dying prey it had just come across. Dirk's hand came up to scratch behind its ears, and it closed its eyes and began purring.

Dirk had brought home a fucking cat.

“C'mon Little Man, I know you're having a rough time what with getting your ass kicked by me practically every day, but I know they taught you what a cat is at that little school of yours.”

“It's every other day, and there are 4,000 kids going to my high school. I meant, why is it here?” Dave really hated when Dirk gave him these looks. He couldn't see his eyes behind his glasses, but he just knew he was being given a deadpan stare.

“We're adopting her, dicksuck. Her name is Luna.”

“Like from Harry Potter?” Dave asked. He doubted he would get an affirmative answer. He was never that lucky.

“No, you dumbfuck, like from My Little Pony. Harry Potter isn't ironic. You gotta watch her while I run to the store and buy whatever shit cats need.” Without further warning, he dumped Luna into Dave's arms, only his reflexes from constant strifes helping him catch her.

“What the fuck? Bro, you can't just bring a cat in here, say we're adopting it, and then make me watch it—fine, her! Where did she even come from? What am I supposed to watch? What do cats even do?” Dirk was already halfway out the door by the time he finished speaking.

“Found her out back hiding in some trash at the club. Looked hungry. Now shut up and ask the internet if you have any other questions. And feed her!” The door slammed decisively behind him. Dave deflated, looking down at the cat in his arms. She looked back up at him with wide green eyes, meowing at him innocently. Maybe he'd like having a cat around.

~This is a line break~

Dave did not like having a cat around. He had been training with a sword for years, how was he not quick enough to catch one lousy cat? A malnourished cat, at that! Google had told him not to give her any apple juice, but they didn't have any water and he didn't trust the tap, so fuck that, and now she was bouncing off the damn walls. Let it be noted for the jury that cats should never, under any circumstances be given apple juice. Trial complete, Dave Strider found guilty of not knowing a damn thing about cats, sentenced to an indefinite about of time chasing a hyper little monster around the four-room apartment. Speaking of the apartment, did their lease even allow animals? After this debacle, he really hoped not. Then Dirk would have to get rid of it and everything would stop going to shit. He knew better than to be bested by a cat, damn it!

“What the fuck happened here, Little Man?”

Fuck. Dirk was not supposed to see this embarrassment. Dave collapsed on the living room carpet, groaning when Luna immediately darted to sit on his back. All of that running around, and he could have caught her this easily? She started grooming herself, clearly not going anywhere anytime soon.

“Your cat is fucking evil. Get rid of it.”

“Nah.”

“Why the hell not? OW!” Dave was punished for his indignant yell with claws in his shoulder blades. Luna did not enjoy yelling, and obviously was not going to tolerate it.

“I like her. And because I say so and I pay all the bills and shit around here.”

“Does our lease even allow pets?”

“Yup.” Dave whined. Life as he knew it was over. This was the end, the metaphorical heat-death of his very own personal universe. His apartment was no longer his sanctuary, but a battleground with this intruding cat.

And Luna was kneading his back with her claws.


End file.
